Finally Ready

If I were pregnant and going into labor, I would be one of those mothers that cling to a hospital wall while others try to direct me to the labor and delivery room in vain attempts to keep the impending reality at bay.  I would probably never feel organized enough, informed enough, adequate enough, or ready to have that baby!  That is exactly how I’ve been feeling as our impending travel approval from China finally became a reality on July 30th.  Leading up to that date and building on and after that key day, I have been experiencing waves of deep panic and floods of deep emotion of every flavor you can imagine.  Embarrassed to admit this, you would think that after we made the concerted effort to start this adoption process six years ago and enduring year after year of waiting that I would have everything perfectly ready and in order.  Instead, my world was turned upside down over those years and I just tried to hang on.  Now I know that something else was happening – God was combining those circumstances and all of those from the rest of my life to refine me to a more fully state of readiness. 

Over the years many children have been confused by my lack of having children.  I was asked once by a little girl, “you are not a girl, you are not a mommy…what are you?”  Just recently I was grilled by a very inquisitive four year old boy after being told that I would soon be getting a daughter, “but why haven’t you had a child yet?”  Flustered, I said several times back to him, “because we couldn’t” – not able to supply an answer that he could understand, or maybe accept.  Later I thought of a truer answer.  I haven’t had a child yet because I wasn’t ready.  I don’t mean an organized house and cutely decorated room ready or mastering some key Mandarin phrases ready, but mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually ready.  

Will I ever be or able to get us organized enough, informed enough, adequate enough or really ready to be the parents Cai Yun so deserves?  No.  But I have to say my excitement has been bubbling up and pushing through and past all of those tiring and nagging thoughts and fears.  I have done all that I can do and now I have to trust that the time is finally right.

We are beyond excited to meet and get to know this wonderful little girl who has made it through her past nine years.  Cai Yun most likely has endured some very harsh moments or at times has had no choice but to stare at a futureless life with not only strength, but beauty and pure sweetness emanating from her.  This morning at 6:05 am we plan to take off on a plane headed for Beijing, China to start a new, completely unknown journey in our lives.  We are going in total faith.  In five short days, this little girl will make the two and a half hour journey from her orphanage city of Zhumadian to Zhengzhou, the capital city of the Henan province, accompanied by two representatives from her orphanage.  She will meet the “foreigners” who have been sending her care packages since they were given the nod every month since March, who deeply love her even though our only glimpses of her are  those captured by a few photographs or seconds of video, and who want the privilege to become her parents.  We have been praying daily not only that we will be ready to be parents to this little girl, but also for Cai Yun since we saw her precious face in mid January.  We have continually asked God to ready her heart and mind and to prepare her for this life altering transition that will take her away from all that she has ever known and the few things in her life she might have managed to love.  We pray that she too can leap out in faith with us as we start the process of becoming a forever family. 

We love you Cai Yun…more than words can ever say or express adequately.  We are finally ready to come to you! 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)