Finally Ready

If I were pregnant and going into labor, I would be one of those mothers that cling to a hospital wall while others try to direct me to the labor and delivery room in vain attempts to keep the impending reality at bay.  I would probably never feel organized enough, informed enough, adequate enough, or ready to have that baby!  That is exactly how I’ve been feeling as our impending travel approval from China finally became a reality on July 30th.  Leading up to that date and building on and after that key day, I have been experiencing waves of deep panic and floods of deep emotion of every flavor you can imagine.  Embarrassed to admit this, you would think that after we made the concerted effort to start this adoption process six years ago and enduring year after year of waiting that I would have everything perfectly ready and in order.  Instead, my world was turned upside down over those years and I just tried to hang on.  Now I know that something else was happening – God was combining those circumstances and all of those from the rest of my life to refine me to a more fully state of readiness. 

Over the years many children have been confused by my lack of having children.  I was asked once by a little girl, “you are not a girl, you are not a mommy…what are you?”  Just recently I was grilled by a very inquisitive four year old boy after being told that I would soon be getting a daughter, “but why haven’t you had a child yet?”  Flustered, I said several times back to him, “because we couldn’t” – not able to supply an answer that he could understand, or maybe accept.  Later I thought of a truer answer.  I haven’t had a child yet because I wasn’t ready.  I don’t mean an organized house and cutely decorated room ready or mastering some key Mandarin phrases ready, but mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually ready.  

Will I ever be or able to get us organized enough, informed enough, adequate enough or really ready to be the parents Cai Yun so deserves?  No.  But I have to say my excitement has been bubbling up and pushing through and past all of those tiring and nagging thoughts and fears.  I have done all that I can do and now I have to trust that the time is finally right.

We are beyond excited to meet and get to know this wonderful little girl who has made it through her past nine years.  Cai Yun most likely has endured some very harsh moments or at times has had no choice but to stare at a futureless life with not only strength, but beauty and pure sweetness emanating from her.  This morning at 6:05 am we plan to take off on a plane headed for Beijing, China to start a new, completely unknown journey in our lives.  We are going in total faith.  In five short days, this little girl will make the two and a half hour journey from her orphanage city of Zhumadian to Zhengzhou, the capital city of the Henan province, accompanied by two representatives from her orphanage.  She will meet the “foreigners” who have been sending her care packages since they were given the nod every month since March, who deeply love her even though our only glimpses of her are  those captured by a few photographs or seconds of video, and who want the privilege to become her parents.  We have been praying daily not only that we will be ready to be parents to this little girl, but also for Cai Yun since we saw her precious face in mid January.  We have continually asked God to ready her heart and mind and to prepare her for this life altering transition that will take her away from all that she has ever known and the few things in her life she might have managed to love.  We pray that she too can leap out in faith with us as we start the process of becoming a forever family. 

We love you Cai Yun…more than words can ever say or express adequately.  We are finally ready to come to you! 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

With thankful hearts and much gratitude!

We purposely told very few people about our decision to adopt from China when we started the process in August 2006.   Perhaps for selfish reasons, but based on the desire to not have to constantly answer the well intended but too often asked, “have you heard anything yet?”  When the process extended to six years, I have to say that we were often glad we made that decision.  The few who have known from early on have been a steadfast in their emotional support to us.  We have had a core group of people willing to take time out of their very busy schedules to serve as references for two different homestudies and/or for numerous adoption grant applications.  As we have recently shared our exciting news with more people just over the last few months, we are amazed at the overwhelmingly positive reactions and kind and loving words about our decision to move forward with an older waiting child with special needs even though these folks well know that we are not in the best place financially.  All of these words of encouragement have bolstered us as we climbed the last tedious steps and dealt with reoccurring doubts that we are doing the right thing at this time in our lives.  In addition, the outpouring of true excitement and kindness has given us the same joyful moments that others expecting a baby regularly enjoy. 

When entering the China adoption process in 2006, the expense of the adoption was significant, but one we were confident that we could manage.  Since then, with our dramatically changed circumstances the total expenses became a much greater financial burden for us to face.  Of the $28,422 to $30,497 estimated total adoption costs, we had paid almost $12,000 and as of this summer the additional $16,379 to $18,454 required to finalize the adoption (not counting any accompanying medical related expenses for clubfeet treatment) was staring us down. 

THEN GOD MOVED IN A BIG WAY!
Of the six adoption grants we applied for this spring, we were awarded a total of $11,500 by three organizations including:  Topeka Community Foundation Building Families Fund, Show Hope, and JSC Foundation.  Then unplanned gifts came from our families.  Next a totally unexpected gift was presented to us by friends who wanted to share an unexpected blessing they received.  Recently more money came in from family members.  In just a few months, the huge financial obstacle we faced to finalize the adoption was more than completely covered by the extreme kindness and generosity of others.  Each of these gifts came from people who work very hard and could have easily used the money for something they needed or even wanted, but they instead made the choice to give their own money to help bring a physically disabled girl that they have never met home.  This is a perfect picture of God’s abundant grace and blessings that He showers us with - even though we are so undeserving.  He gives us all that we need and more!

Watching God so clearly working out each and every detail of His plan for providing Cai Yun a forever family and us a long hoped for child has been an extremely humbling experience.   Even though we were very young and poor college students when we got married, we rejected most of the financial help from our parents.  Over the years we almost never let our friends pay anything for us.  While accepting these generous gifts we have had to realize that that they are not for us, but for helping provide hope and a future to a little girl who would be an outcast in her own country.  These gifts are a considerable blessing to us and Cai Yun, our special waiting child in China, helping us not just clear but soar over the last financial hurdles we face as we travel to China on August 22nd. 

These unplanned and unexpected acts and words of sweetness, kindness, generosity of time and money from strangers, families and friends, all ultimately from God, are helping pull Cai Yun out of the darkness and into the light.

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus. 
To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever.  Amen.  (Philippians 4:19-20 NIV)

Our Adoption Story from Max's Point of View (written August 6, 2012)...

I would love to say that I always wanted to adopt a child from a hard place, to love them unconditionally in the same way Christ loves me, and to provide them with an opportunity to reach the full potential that Christ designed her to reach.  The reality is I wanted “the American dream:” the nice house, the pretty wife, 2.5 children, six figure salary, power, position, and prestige.  At the point in my life those things  were mostly a reality, I had a literal come to Jesus moment.  My life began to change.  I didn’t give that dream up, I wasn’t faithful enough.  It was taken from me.  That was the only way I would be able to truly live for my savior.  Now, I live on the edge.  I don’t know what is going to happen day to day, I don’t feel like I can accomplish what He has set before me, and I have lost all independence – my life is exactly where He wants it to be.  I am in complete dependence on Him to get me through each day and I constantly pray for His will, His strength and His power to get me through.

What is my reward for this new life of complete dependence?  It is not the American dream, it is His dream.  Now, I am living a life of sacrifice, of loss, of reaching out beyond my comfort zone.  I am increasing my debt, my savings are dwindling.  I’ve lived apart from my wife for months.  I’ve been on my knees begging my Father in Heaven for His forgiveness and mercy for my inadequacies and failures.  I know that I am not living a life worthy of His grace, yet He continues to abundantly bless me in ways unimaginable and unwarranted.

I have a loving wife who gave up her job to follow me to PA school 700 miles away.  She then removed herself from consideration of a very good job opportunity because we had decided to pursue a medical needs child adoption instead of a healthy child.  My life is so full, I feel like I am going to explode at times.   And yet, here we are flying to China in two weeks to adopt a child we have been waiting for since 2006.  I am pursuing a career in healthcare that I thought about since I was 4 years old.  I just participated in the birth of thirteen children during my OBGYN rotation.  I don’t think that is a coincidence that the same month I participate in the birth of 13 babies to 13 strangers, knowing I can never have that experience with the person I love the most on this planet, is the same month we get to finalize our adoption from China.

And some people say God doesn’t have a sense of humor.  I don’t know about that, but what I do know is God has an amazing plan; and no matter how unworthy I am, He is faithful to that plan.

All praise to The King.

How our Adoption Journey Began

I’m posting this on our 21^st wedding anniversary...

Our discussions of building a family through adoption started twenty-five years ago, when we fell in love as teenagers, and has slowly unfolded and evolved ever since.  At that time, I did not think I would ever want to adopt because I had grown up with a lot of adopted children that seemed so unhappy.  Unfortunately, many of the adopted kids I knew were the result of closed adoptions (they had no knowledge of or contact with birth family members), in families that tried to keep his or her adoption secret - at least something that should not be talked about, or who had families that pretended that nothing from his or her past would or should affect their lives.  But over this time, God gradually softened and molded our hearts to desire His will and to wait for His perfect timing.   In mid-2004, after being married for thirteen years (and being asked by certain family members and friends for almost as long “when are you going to have a baby” or why haven’t you had a baby yet?”), we sadly discovered we would likely never achieve our own pregnancy.  Totally heartbroken, this devastating blow took time to process and to heal from. 

Yet our hearts still longed for a child to love and we especially had a tender spot for those around the world who suffered.   Knowing without any doubt that God chose us as his adopted children and continually experiencing God’s unconditional love for us, one of the most important things we believe we can impart to a child is His wondrous love, the power of His merciful redemption, and His transforming grace that can heal us, make us whole, and help us realize our full potential of who He made us to be.  After extensive research about each adoption option, talking with numerous adoptive parents and with hearts finally ready to be vulnerable again, we chose to pursue an international adoption through China’s traditional program.  Starting the “paper chase” process in August 2006, our dossier was logged in China’s system on April 5, 2007.  At that time, the estimated waiting time for traveling to China to adopt a healthy child under a year in age was less than twelve months.  However since our log in date, traditional adoptions in China started dramatically slowing to almost a halt. 

Our deep desire to become parents through adoption remained strong and we considered other countries and even reconsidered domestic adoptions as options before our life circumstances greatly changed.  Everything adoption related was put on hold when we were heavily hit by the economic downturn that severely impacted our country and especially the state of Michigan.  Max suddenly lost his automotive related job in November 2008 and Julie’s employer implemented across the board pay cuts for the three subsequent years she remained. 

Realizing the far reaching impact of the down economy was a God given opportunity to follow a calling he had felt for years, Max quickly moved to change to a career where he could more greatly help and impact people’s lives.  The first major step was completing the many prerequisite classes and direct patient care experience hours required for applying to physician assistant programs.  Applying to / being accepted into physician assistant graduate programs is an arduous and not always successful process, which Max started in January 2009.  We felt exceptionally blessed when Max was accepted into the nation’s number one ranked program in January 2011.  Committed to not being pulled apart as many families have been due to changing job situations, Julie left her job in Michigan to join Max in making the temporary move to Durham, North Carolina in August 2011, when he started the two year Physician Assistant program at Duke University. 

A Sudden Leap Forward:
Resigned to more waiting and picking up the pieces of our adoption dreams after Max completed school, our plans completely changed again in mid-January 2012 after we saw a waiting child profile of an eight year old girl in China with untreated clubfeet.  We immediately contacted our adoption agency, Chinese Children Adoption International (CCAI), and requested any information they had on this sad, but strong looking girl named Cai Yun.  Her file stated that she was in an orphanage in the Henan Province, one of China’s most populated and poorest provinces.  She entered the orphanage in January 2011, about a month before her eighth birthday, and was only available for adoption by families with dossiers already logged into China.  CCAI explained that using our logged in dossier to adopt this girl in China’s Waiting Child Program would cause us to be taken out of the line we had been in for five years – the line for a healthy baby in the traditional program. 

Always longing for a baby, making the sudden switch to an older special needs child was a huge leap away from the dream we had been clinging to for all of these years.  Nevertheless, we knew that this was the girl that God intended for us all along - the one we were waiting for since finding out we could not have a biological baby.  After much prayer, we decided that we were willing to do whatever it took to bring this sweet girl into our family.  Having done so much research on China’s perspective on and treatment of orphans, especially older children and those with disabilities, we feel strongly led to pursue the adoption of this now nine year old child.  While we could choose to keep our lives simpler by shrugging our shoulders and saying, “this is not a good time for us” or “we cannot afford to do this right now,” we know that this girl does not have the luxury of making choices.  With her female gender, older age as an orphan and physical disability, her future would be very limited to bleak if left in China.  Despite the complexities that this adoption will likely bring, we felt like it was not an option to leave her there.  Being able to adopt her is truly a gift from God.

Happy Anniversary, my sweet.